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Mark S

Call Recovered About Becoming A Sponsor

150 150 Mark S
Tuesday Night, the Recovery Topic is “Becoming a Sponsor”
 
Through
sharing, both of our co-founders discovered, their
own sober lives could be enriched beyond measure.
What does A.A. mean by sponsorship? To join
some organizations, you must have a sponsor —
a person who vouches for you, presents you as
being suitable for membership. This is definitely
not the case with A.A. Anyone who has a desire to
stop drinking is welcome to join us!
Let’s talk about this solution.  Tap Speakpipe (preferred because the sound quality is excellent.  Use this method especially if you are outside the Unites States) or call 1-734-288-7510 and answer the following question(s):
Recovered Podcast is live online every Tuesday at 6:30 pm EST as we record the show.  Join the fun and be part of the show.
What were your fears when you first became a sponsor?
How does being a sponsor help you?
If you would like to listen to the live stream of the show, just tap Recovered Chat and Live Stream.  
 
Click on our Show Notes we will use.

Recovered 904 – Earl Hightower Steps 3 through 5

150 150 Mark S

These Weekend Episodes are usually only for Premium members.  Premium membership is the sole reason why Recovered is still online.  If you think Recovered is of value, please consider helping the new guy to the program by becoming a Premium Member.

Our generous Recovered Podcast Community allows us to be self supporting and not rely on outside contributions.  If you would like to join us, there are two ways.

  1. Episode Sponsorship  We will recognize you by first name only at the top, mid, and end of the episode.  Any amount will qualify.
  2. Premium Membership  This is the single most effective way to support the show.  Watch the video in its entirety and learn how to become Premium

Call and leave a message and become part of the show

http://recoveredcast.com/speakpipe

Check out this episode!

Family and Recovery – Recovered 902

150 150 Mark S

Our generous Recovered Podcast Community allows us to be self supporting and not rely on outside contributions.  If you would like to join us, there are two ways.

  1. Episode Sponsorship  We will recognize you by first name only at the top, mid, and end of the episode.  Any amount will qualify.
  2. Premium Membership  This is the single most effective way to support the show.  Watch the video in its entirety and learn how to become Premium

Call Us Now  http://recoveredcast.com/speakpipe

When addiction strikes a family, it often breaks up into a series of roles. These roles are typically similar to the family member’s past behaviors. These roles are many but the most common ones can be described in the following way: the person suffering from addiction, the enabler, the hero, the scapegoat, and the mascot. While not every family will be large enough to fill these roles or the many others, members do change roles at various times.

The person who is struggling with addiction is obviously the focus of the family unit in this circumstance. The role of everyone else will be reliant on the way they interact with this person.

When there is addiction in a family, the whole family is sick. Family is deeply involved in the struggle with addiction, which means it is very important for them to become involved in their own recovery. This is not just about supporting the individual overcoming the addiction, but about creating a healthy environment for themselves.

What came first to mind?

When you first came in, how did you see your disease affect your family?
Do you see the hero, scapegoat, enabler in your family?
What do those labels mean to you?
Why do you think these people fell into these roles?
What was communication like with your family of origin when you were using?

How do you see recovery affecting your family of origin?
How does recovery affect your immediate family?

Exploring the past is important in recovery, why is this true for you?
How do secrets and denial keep a family sick?
Why are secrets and denial common in the alcoholic family?

Is there alcoholism in your family other than you?
Is there recovery in your family other than you?
Is your immediate family part of a recovery program?

We Have Calls!

Mike from FLA
https://www.speakpipe.com/messages

Elizabeth
https://www.speakpipe.com/messages

Check out this episode!

Recovered 901 – Earl Hightower Steps 1 and 2

150 150 Mark S

Our generous Recovered Podcast Community allows us to be self supporting and not rely on outside contributions.  If you would like to join us, there are two ways.

  1. Episode Sponsorship  We will recognize you by first name only at the top, mid, and end of the episode.  Any amount will qualify.
  2. Premium Membership  This is the single most effective way to support the show.  Watch the video in its entirety and learn how to become Premium

Call and leave a message and become part of the show

http://recoveredcast.com/speakpipe

 

Check out this episode!

Call Recovered About Family and Recovery

150 150 Mark S
Tuesday Night, the Recovery Topic is Family and Recovery.”
 
When addiction strikes a family, it often breaks up into a series of roles. These roles are typically similar to the family member’s past behaviors. These roles are many but the most common ones can be described in the following way: the person suffering from addiction, the enabler, the hero, the scapegoat, and the mascot. While not every family will be large enough to fill these roles or the many others, members do change roles at various times.
 
Let’s talk about this solution.  Tap Speakpipe (preferred because the sound quality is excellent.  Use this method especially if you are outside the Unites States) or call 1-734-288-7510 and answer the following question(s):
 
When you first came in, how did you see your disease affect your family?
What was communication like with your family of origin when you were using?
How do secrets and denial keep a family sick?
Why are secrets and denial common in the alcoholic family?
Is your family part of a recovery program?
 
Recovered Podcast is live online every Tuesday at 6:30 pm EST as we record the show.  Join the fun and be part of the show. 
If you would like to listen to the live stream of the show, just tap Recovered Chat and Live Stream.  
 
Click on our Show Notes we will use.

Check out this episode!

Take Our One Question Survey

150 150 Mark S

On Tuesday, our recovery topic will be “Family and Recovery.”

Take our one question survey to help us prepare for the show.
Just click HERE.
On Tuesdays at 6:30 pm EST, we stream the audio of the Recovered Podcast Live.  If you would like to join the fun and interact with the show hosts and other listeners as we record the show live, just click HERE for the link and more information.

Do we want to get better? – Article by Author Annie Highwater

150 150 Mark S

Do we want to get better?

 

We are five years into this process of recovery after many years of crisis, trauma and all of the after-effects.  It has taken time to come to a place of peace, strength and confidence.

As well, it takes time to find consistent calm in life.  It was often hard, soul searching work.

Early on in my efforts to improve my life I was asked by a seasoned recovery expert: “Do you really want to get better?”

Strange question. Shouldn’t that be obvious?  Doesn’t everyone?

But, we have all known someone who has a slew of problems, often unloads them to you, yet has a reason to doubt every possible solution.  While repeatedly returning to their mess only to come back later with a new round of similar complaints.

I’ve seen it countless times.  More than a few times I’ve lived it.

The natural questions that come to mind are, does this person want a better life? Or do they just want to be comforted.  Do they simply want attention and company as they remain in their misery?

Getting better is hard work.  It takes effort to change and create a more peaceful, healthy life. It’s not easy breaking out of the very problems we are sometimes identified by.

An Article in Psychology Today written by David Sack, M.D. mentions the theory that people like negative feelings. A study by Eduardo Andrade and Joel Cohen, which evaluated why people enjoy horror movies, concluded that some of the viewers were “happy to be unhappy.”

Researchers found that people experience both negative and positive emotions at the same time, meaning they not only enjoy the relief they feel when the threat is removed but also enjoy being scared. This same theory, they argued, may help explain why humans are drawn to extreme sports and other risky activities that elicit terror or disgust.

As people we are layered.  What might present on the surface as misery, could subconsciously be a familiar, comfortable identity we fear moving out of.

CHARACTERISTICS OF THE CHRONICALLY UNHAPPY

How do you know if you’re one of these people who live in a perpetual state of unhappiness? People who are addicted to unhappiness tend to:

  • Find reasons to be miserable when life gets “too good.”
  • Prefer to play the victim role and blame others rather than take personal responsibility for their choices.
  • Have difficulty setting and achieving goals, or conversely achieve goals only to find that they can’t enjoy their success.
  • Struggle to bounce back when things don’t go their way.
  • Distract, escape or cope by using drugs, alcohol, sexfood, or other addictive or compulsive behaviors.
  • Stop taking care of their basic needs, such as a healthy diet, regular exercise, and adequate sleep.
  • Feel enslaved to their emotions and powerless to change.
  • Feel dissatisfied even when life is going well.
  • Have dramatic, unfulfilling relationships.

When someone is in the midst of misery and trauma it’s understandable to be a mess.

When trauma and triggers reoccur, we can naturally return to misery.

When we live chronically miserable, there can be a medical issue.  Or maybe it’s time for a wake-up call.

I have a friend who lived for a great length of time understandably swallowed up in sorrow over the circumstances of her family.  Addiction was ravaging more than a few people she dearly loved.  It was affecting her terribly; to the point she almost couldn’t function.

One evening she sat with a group of women who listened again as her tears, pain and worry poured out.  One of them leaned in to her and said “At some point, you’re going to have to stop the mourning, stand up tall and figure out how to fight!”

My friend was at first startled and offended.  But then she felt empowered.

After that day, she continued to allow herself a span of time to melt down when the weight of life felt crushing.  But after a few minutes, she’d take a breath, straighten her back and fight through it.

Sometimes pulling out a notebook to write down ideas of what she could do to make progress.

Sometimes she turned to trusted counsel for advice.  Sometimes she simply prayed (or breathed) her way through the situation moment by moment.

Whatever was needed to find peace, strength and serenity.

And to not remain stuck.

RECOVERY IS NOT ONE SIZE FITS ALL.

It’s a different process for everyone.  We have to figure out what gives us strength and courage to take steps toward progress.  Sometimes it’s melting down for a while, sometimes we need snapped out of it.

Whatever it takes, recovery, peace and positivity are possible.

Happiness is complicated. Some people find happiness even in situations that would challenge the most optimistic person.  Others are unhappy despite having it all. For some, happiness is fleeting and depends on their present circumstances, whereas others seem to be generally happy or generally unhappy no matter what is happening in their lives.

There are people living in the midst of great suffering who are positive and grateful.  There are those who have every need seemingly met, surrounded by family, friends and wealth and yet are full of misery.  It can often traced back to their mindset.

Tony Robbins often says our mind is not built to make us happy, it’s built to keep us alive.  Therefore, it’s naturally trained to look for what is wrong, that is a survival skill. It takes discipline to direct it out of negativity and onto what is positive and hopeful.

There will always be bad days, pain, difficulties and challenges.

What we do with the hand we’re dealt is what matters.

Think of life (and recovery) as a marathon.  The race always hurts.  Expect it to hurt. You don’t train so it doesn’t hurt, you train so you can tolerate it…and keep going.

“You can’t be grateful for crisis, grief, tragedy or misery.  But at every moment you have an opportunity to do something with what life has given you.  Grateful living means learning to avail yourself moment by moment to that opportunity.” ~Brother David Stendl-Rast

Still learning,

Annie

Author of Unhooked

Hooked on a Bad Memory – Article by Author Annie Highwater

150 150 Mark S

Hooked on a Bad Memory

 

Painful memories. We all have them. Things that still sting when they come to mind.

Recently I found myself hooked by one; prompting my old, miserable codependent tendencies to be activated. For a moment I wondered if all the recovery work I’d done had even mattered.

The issue arose when upon visiting a town close by, I passed a church I used to work for.  Out of nowhere an intense conversation I’d had with a close family member while working there came flooding back. This individual was a major player in my formative years, her thoughts mattered to me.

It is worth mentioning that this unrecovered relative had a toxic way of handling issues of conflict, faith and belief.  Her goal often seemed to be to win an argument with condemnation, shame and fear instead of making a point or solving a problem.

Common disputes usually ended with an attack on not only your identity, but your eternity.

In the course of the dispute that came to mind, I had been defending myself against her repeated list of everything wrong with me, most being things she believed were sending me to hell.  Eventually I brought up that her faith was actually supposed to be about love, forgiveness, becoming a new creation and how we each have worth.

Her response was, “No. Not you.”

As simplistic as that statement seems, what took root in my subconscious for years after was the shadow beliefthat I had zero worth and was beyond repair, forgiveness, or love.

Ultimately her bottom-line message was: “You are irreparably, intrinsically and permanently bad.”

Many of us have had people in our lives speak poisonous core beliefs into us, some since we were small children.  Prompting untrue, negative programming that tells us “You…are…just…bad.” 

These thoughts become our inner enemy.

For me, comments like that steered the course of my life for decades to come, leading me from one miserable, codependent situation to another.

When you don’t believe you are forgivable, lovable and valuable you can find yourself at the mercy of everything and everyone around you. Very often choosing friendships, relationships and settings that treat you like you don’t matter, as if you are always wrong, always bad.

Now granted, I’ve processed through most of my inner junk over the last ten plus years and this memory wasn’t as bad as some others.  Even still, when it returned I couldn’t shake it for days.  I was hooked on the injustice of it. The realization of how much damage these statements had done burned in my mind like a hot coal refusing to go out.

I caught myself revivifying that moment over and over and went completely limbic thinking about it.

Toxic words can cut through you and go deep, they have an ability to hurt and paralyze you for a very long time.

GETTING OFF THE HOOK

Depending on the severity of the effect, there are steps we can take to move past the pain of toxic memories.  Things like prayer, yoga, a recovery meeting, a 20-minute walk, DBT therapy resources, meditating on letting go and so on, are helpful tools.

I couldn’t seem to get past that memory in my own efforts. I knew I wasn’t in crisis, so I didn’t need to speak with a therapist for professional expertise. However, I needed something outside myself to move through it.

Sometimes you just need a safe place to offset the burden so you can get beyond it.

WHO DO YOU TURN TO?

When you find yourself hooked, turning to someone who can be trusted to be safe, kind, fair and wise is powerfully helpful.

Someone with compassion (the word compassion means “to suffer with”), who will be with you in the moment, validating and supporting.  Yet, not someone who will make you feel worse, help you stay stuck, or attack the one you’re at odds over.

I turned to someone I can trust, who knows my journey and gets my motives. I didn’t have to go deep into my story or defend that it was upsetting for me. She got all that.

I explained that I needed support to move through how enraged I was feeling.  My exact words were “I don’t need you to do anything, to agree or take my side, I just need someone to support me for a few minutes while I freak out about how terrible this feels so I can let it go and move on without walking around with it on me, or lashing out somehow because I’m struggling inside.”

“A problem shared is a problem cut in half.” After the 20 minute phone call, I felt a thousand pounds lighter.

I was able to let it go, returning to the knowledge that the unkind behavior had come from a damaged person and truly wasn’t my burden to carry for so many years.

It is never ours to carry, and yet so often we internalize mistreatment from others because we’re not whole or aware.

This is why recovery work is critical.

WHO NOT TURN TO

On another note, it is not helpful to turn to those who minimize your right to feel the upset or outrage.

Anyone who invalidates or belittles you in moments of intensity, implying that you’re being sensitive or ridiculous; rather than being a safe sounding board, is notyour foxhole friend. Such people make it worse.

I love the picture painted by Sherrie Campbell, Ph,D., when it comes to who we are wise not turn to in a moment of emotional stress:

“Get over it”

“This is a classic statement toxic people love to use to get us to stop disputing poor treatment. This statement takes the focus from the problem and places us in the position of being the problem..the person who “just can’t let things go.”

“Get over it” is an incredibly cruel thing to say to another person, especially someone who trusts you. Not only does this phrase tell you that they could not care less about how you feel or what you’re trying to express, but it also insinuates that if you were smarter, you would let it go.

“Get over it” says that what you think and feel is irrelevant and stupid. “Get over it” makes the toxic person the authority and frees them of any obligation to listen. How can that be healthy for anyone?

The only person this kind of statement works for, is the toxic person. They use these statements to shame you out of expressing yourself.  Seems awfully selfish and one-sided to me.”

***

Moving through anguish with self-compassion, which is different than self-care

Your most important relationship is with yourself.  Self-compassion means treating yourself like you would a good friend struggling with your same issue.

Give yourself a break, don’t beat yourself up for how you are feeling or the thoughts you’re having about a painful memory.  That only makes you feel worse.

Getting unhooked requires kindness from others, as well as yourself.

***

While still a work in progress, growth shows itself in the realization that even if a they hit hard and hang on for a while – flashbacks and triggers are now like mosquitoes, where before they were like elephants.

These days when I get hung up on a memory or a feeling, I am aware that I’ve made it through worse and passed through hard feelings before.

We can always remind ourselves that “this too shall pass.”

Like a slap across the face, the sting may last for a time but you can be sure that eventually, and especially with effort- the feelings will evaporate.  We don’t have to feel stuck, overwhelmed, or swept away for great lengths of time.

The goal is to feel, deal and heal.  And then let it go.

Moving on means letting go and pressing forward to what is better for you. Letting go of the pain, the poison and any thoughts toward changing what has already happened, in order to recover and rise.

“Let go of what has happened. 
Let go of what may come.
Let go of what is happening now.
Don’t try to figure anything out.
Don’t try to make anything happen.
Relax, right now, and rest.”
 ~ Tilopa

Recovering to me means feeling whole, confident and at peace in your own identity.

“Our worth and our belonging are not negotiated with other people, we carry those inside…” ~Brene Brown

For me personally, never again is the issue of my worth up for debate, it’s not on the table.  Nor will I allow myself to remain trapped by another’s unkind words and faulty perceptions.

And that is some great progress.

Still learning,

Annie

Author of Unhooked

*Book 2 coming soon!*

Recovered 903 – Earl H Part 1

150 150 Mark S

Our generous Recovered Podcast Community allows us to be self supporting and not rely on outside contributions.  If you would like to join us, there are two ways.

  1. Episode Sponsorship  We will recognize you by first name only at the top, mid, and end of the episode.  Any amount will qualify.
  2. Premium Membership  This is the single most effective way to support the show.  Watch the video in its entirety and learn how to become Premium

Call and leave a message and become part of the show

http://recoveredcast.com/speakpipe

Check out this episode!

Call Recovered About Family and Recovery

150 150 Mark S
Tuesday Night, the Recovery Topic is Family and Recovery.”
 
When addiction strikes a family, it often breaks up into a series of roles. These roles are typically similar to the family member’s past behaviors. These roles are many but the most common ones can be described in the following way: the person suffering from addiction, the enabler, the hero, the scapegoat, and the mascot. While not every family will be large enough to fill these roles or the many others, members do change roles at various times.
Let’s talk about this solution.  Tap Speakpipe (preferred because the sound quality is excellent.  Use this method especially if you are outside the Unites States) or call 1-734-288-7510 and answer the following question(s):
When you first came in, how did you see your disease affect your family?
What was communication like with your family of origin when you were using?
How do secrets and denial keep a family sick?
Why are secrets and denial common in the alcoholic family?
Is your family part of a recovery program?
Recovered Podcast is live online every Tuesday at 6:30 pm EST as we record the show.  Join the fun and be part of the show.
If you would like to listen to the live stream of the show, just tap Recovered Chat and Live Stream.  
 
Click on our Show Notes we will use.