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Mark S

Chris R. Part 2 – Recovered 914

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Progress not Perfection, Recovering from Condemning Ourselves – Article by Author Annie Highwater

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Progress not Perfection, Recovering from Condemning Ourselves

Recently I had a revelation of how deep recovery work has penetrated my former dysfunctional patterns of thinking.  That’s the thing about doing the work, sometimes we aren’t even sure it’s working until we see it play out in new situations that show us our strength.

At work some weeks back, a very dignified lady barreled into the office, rapidly approaching me.  She seemed frustrated and harsh. I quickly got the impression that she was angry.

“I’m looking for exactly where I need to send my information.” She somewhat barked, waving an envelope, implying that she had been misinformed and inconvenienced.

My coworkers and I were able to direct her to the correct area and she was quickly satisfied, which caused her guard to go down; she warmly said thanks to each of us before leaving.

And all was well.

So what does that moment have to do with recovery?

It gave me a great revelation that recovery is working.

I realized that a decade ago, before working to recover and grow from my emotional wounds and pathology, had someone “made a beeline” in my direction with that kind of aggressive energy, I would have quickly spiraled down a rabbit hole of codependent, emotional torment.

In those moments, my thoughts usually turned into a tape that played like this:

What did I do?  Why is she mad?  Why does she hate me?  How can I fix this atmosphere?

What did I do wrong?

What can I do to ease her tense energy?

How can I fix this upset??

What does she hate about me?

What did I do?  Why is she mad?  Why does she hate me?  How can I fix this?

Round and round it would go, pounding in my head.

Sound familiar?

Condemnation is confusing, never-ending and entirely exhausting.

Regardless that an issue is obviously someone else’s, outside hostility almost always launched me into my familiar, condemning inner dialogue.

It took a long time and a lot of good counsel to realize that condemnation runs internal.

No one can make you feel bad about yourself unless you already do.

* * *

Where it all began…

I’ve come a long way with a relative I used to struggle with when it came to assigning blame to me for the behavior of others.  Those dynamics plagued our relationship for decades.

Once, I was told that my personality could “cause anyone to be abusive, or to become an addict.”

I was often told that if I didn’t “push peoples’ buttons, I would never be mistreated.”

The truth was, I couldn’t ever seem to get it right.  And even if I did, the rules would change and before too long I would somehow find myself “causing” their moods and behavior again.

One morning a local newspaper published a story about abusive tactics and even specifically said how most abusers blame-shift and will frequently say, “she/he pushes my buttons.”

Thinking I would finally be heard, I took that paper to this family member.  The response was, “This doesn’t pertain to you. You DO push buttons.”

Deep breaths…

Soon after, I stopped engaging those arguments.

More importantly, I stopped trying to come up with evidence to prove what was true or untrue. And I began the work to learn to listen to, and even like – myself.  I realized I could only work on me.

I went no contact with some of those unhealthy relationships for a few years, focusing on taking care of myself and bettering my life.

I’m happy to say, life has come full circle.  There is peace in that relationship and healthy boundaries are intact.

These days, if those dynamics surface I know to quickly stiff-arm the situation and return to my peaceful, condemnation-free life.   I remember to keep my heart inside my body—I don’t allow it to go running off with someone else’s toxic beliefs.

While I do live a life of accountability and self-examination, let me emphasize that it’s kind, healthyaccountability and kind, healthy self-examining.

There is a difference.

One promotes healing, improvement and progress.  The other suffocates your self-worth and confidence, igniting feelings of shame, defeat and resignation.

* * *

Remember – people don’t mishandle or mistreat you because you’re you—they do it because they’re them.

It is critical to know that you are responsible for no oneelse’s faults, behavior, moods or decisions—except your own!

It is not your fault when someone is moody, rude or making bad decisions.

Remembering that as a bottom-line truth, filters a lot of junk out of life.

* * *

Peace within

I am grateful to have had the moment of tension with the stressed-out lady at work, it shows how far I’ve come and how deep recovery has gone.

I’m also thankful that I no longer take on the burden of anyone else’s attitudes or behavior.  That victory took time, it’s been a process, but the relief of recovery runs as deep as your healing needs it to—when you work it.

Even if we slip back to old patterns once in a while, the healthy new tools are always ready and waiting. It’s about progress—not perfection.

Still learning,

Annie

Author of Unhooked

Book 2: “Unbroken, Navigating the Madness of Family Dysfunction, Addiction, Alcoholism and Heartache” coming soon!

Chris R. Part 1 – Recovered 913

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These weekend episodes are typically reserved for our Premium Subscribers.  Our Premium Members are the reason why the Recovered Podcast is still online.  Please consider upgrading today.

Our generous Recovered Podcast Community allows us to be self supporting and not rely on outside contributions.  If you would like to join us, there are two ways.

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Relationships – Recovered 912

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For most of us, it is a relationship with a romantic partner that provides our primary source of the close bonds we need to thrive. But can you have a successful intimate relationship while in recovery?

Navigating your way through an intimate relationship is challenging enough, but when you add to that the unique challenges faced during recovery, the task can be daunting. A recovering addict often brings additional baggage to a relationship because, for them, many essential relationships tools are yet to be acquired. Today, we talk about relationships.

What is first to mind?
What do you want to talk about first?

Early in program, did you have any romantic relationships?
What was dating like?

How did your relationship change over the course of more clean time?

What relationships did you have to give up because of recovery?

How about your relationship with a higher power, how has that changed because of recovery?

What about relationship with self?

How did recovery change your relationships?

How does trust affect you relationships?
How about honesty?
How do old wounds from before recovery affect your current relationship?

How do coping skills learned in recovery help your current relationships?

Talk about balance and relationships, work, recovery, relationship.
How does this change over time?

What step helps you in maintaining relationships?

What would you say to the new guy?

We have calls

Brock
https://www.google.com/voice/fm/00557165274674955804/AHwOX_CJYZhQRIBJhu7meRwGtNAWzvIYNiiBq3oD6AETJmCnR6e_3bLjL1KmIjLKGSWqrN67l9EmPsooUUms22sDvCIab_GuRsfEirQpttCJXYCYW2wq13FSJeGT6Ttfl_zIC16TO30UIwA9unK9Yu1-HV3_eFzFCA

Lauren.
https://www.google.com/voice/fm/00557165274674955804/AHwOX_BBSIyrTIdI1505TbOSJe5SoskyfIISsjEhZubPsvlHna1PN7wkqX5rX2SsIzvXbj7_rTzG4nBG7PIndDT1rCne8OKyG38obEw1BnztLw_6bu1xCpkRUpqgqd_a_6SdjLpXD1pVS2eeaWCJvuzKWeqMUpT4NQ

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Earl Hightower Step 12 – Recovered 911

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These weekend episodes are typically reserved for our Premium Subscribers.  Our Premium Members are the reason why the Recovered Podcast is still online.  Please consider upgrading today.

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  1. Episode Sponsorship  We will recognize you by first name only at the top, mid, and end of the episode.  Any amount will qualify.
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Earl Hightower Steps 10 and 11 – Recovered 910

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Trust – Recovered 909

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In my addictive behavior, I probably broke trust with those who care about me in various ways, such as lying and keeping secrets. Since my addiction spanned many years, the people affected by my addiction doubted my recovery, especially since I tried to control my addiction before. Building trust takes time; I have to continue to prove that I can do this one day at a time.

 

First to mind?

Where do you want to start?

 

What does trust mean to you?

How do your disease affect your trustworthiness?

How did your disease affect your ability to trust others?

How has your disease affected your ability to trust yourself?

 

Before program, how did you lose the trust of your loved ones?

How about employers?

Friends?

In what ways did you lose trust?

 

When you were new, did you trust the program?

Did you trust ither AAs

Did you trust your sponsor?

How about today?

 

What was it like when you first came in, were you able to regain trust immediately?

Did you think that you should be trusted because you are now sober?

How did that make you feel?  

 

What part of the program helped you regain trust?

When did you start to regain trust?  example?

Are there people in your life who refuse to trust you?  

What do you do with these people?

How about your trust of other people?  How has recovery effected this?

Do you trust God?

Do you trust yourself?

What would you say to the new guy?

 

We Have Calls!

 

Mike from FLA

 

Don

 

Jeff

 

Alex

 

Carl from cali

Peanut butter peanut butter 1 2 3

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Call Recovered About Trust

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Tuesday Night, the Recovery Topic is “Trust.”
In my addictive behavior, I probably broke trust with those who care about me in various ways, such as lying and keeping secrets. Since my addiction spanned many years, the people affected by my addiction doubted my recovery, especially since I tried to control my addiction before. Building trust takes time; I have to continue to prove that I can do this one day at a time.
Let’s talk about this solution.  Tap Speakpipe (preferred because the sound quality is excellent.  Use this method especially if you are outside the Unites States) or call 1-734-288-7510 and answer the following question(s):
Recovered Podcast is live online every Tuesday at 6:30 pm EST as we record the show.  Join the fun and be part of the show.
Before program, how did you lose the trust of your loved ones, employers, fiends?
How has the program helped you regain trust?
Do you trust people?
How has the program helped?
If you would like to listen to the live stream of the show, just tap Recovered Chat and Live Stream.  
 
Click on our Show Notes we will use.

Earl Hightower Steps 8 and 9 – Recovered 908

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Our generous Recovered Podcast Community allows us to be self supporting and not rely on outside contributions.  If you would like to join us, there are two ways.

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Earl Hightower Steps 6 and 7 – Recovered 907

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These weekend episodes are typically reserved for our Premium Subscribers.  Our Premium Members are the reason why the Recovered Podcast is still online.  Please consider upgrading today.

Our generous Recovered Podcast Community allows us to be self supporting and not rely on outside contributions.  If you would like to join us, there are two ways.

  1. Episode Sponsorship  We will recognize you by first name only at the top, mid, and end of the episode.  Any amount will qualify.
  2. Premium Membership  This is the single most effective way to support the show.  Watch the video in its entirety and learn how to become Premium

Call and leave a message and become part of the show

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Check out this episode!