Mark S

When there is the disease of alcoholism in a family, the whole family is sick and dysfunctional.  In recovery, who is to take responsibility for this dysfunction?

• Both partners must accept responsibility for the health or dysfunction of their coupleship.

• Both partners bring their own addictions, personalities, family-of- origin messages, and individual dysfunctions into the coupleship.

• =This does not mean that one is responsible for any of the addictive or dysfunctional behaviors of one’s partner. Both partners are responsible for the presence or absence of intimacy.

4. In a recovering couple where only one has alcoholism, is there only one co-dependent?

• Both partners may be co-dependent.

• Mutual co-dependency may be an aspect of co-addiction. Partner co-dependency may be based on fear of abandonment, deep shame, or a need for approval. Enmeshed partner attachments may result, causing both partners to seek to control each other, usually to prevent their partner from leaving.

• There can be two styles of control: manipulative and domineering. The manipulative co-dependents seek to secure their partners by always doing what their partners need or want. This compels these co-dependents to lose their independent identity and sometimes to almost literally die for their partners. This style, which is usually unconscious, might also include portraying themselves as victims, which projects images of being such poor, wretched, mistreated people that no one could ever leave them.

• The domineering style is more directly controlling. In this style, the co-dependents use anger (or even rage), harsh orders, demands, argumentation, threats, and suggestions (in a variety of subtle and not-so-subtle ways) that they are superior and should control the behavior of their partners.

• Whichever style is present, both partners fear the other’s leaving and use their own personal co-dependent style to prevent abandonment. In recovery, partners can learn how to be in the coupleship by choice. Before such recovery, co-dependent partners lack choice. They are in the coupleship out of necessity— the compulsion of their shared addiction to each other.

6. Is family of origin issues relevant to the recovering couple?

• Both partners usually have significant family-of-origin issues.

• The limited amount of research that has been conducted with addicted couples suggests that both partners may be victims of some kind of neglect or abuse. Addicted couples may have learned unhealthy styles of relationships in their families of origin, where they did not receive healthy modeling of nurturing and intimacy.

• Each partner may be the victim of violation of personal boundaries—emotional, physical, sexual, or spiritual. Such violations often create suppressed rage, coupled with profound fear and anxiety. Addictions may develop as ways of coping with these feelings.

8. What about comparing our relationship with normies?

• Couples are full of illusions about ideal relationships.

• Addicted couples may have lists of requirements for what they believe makes a “Good Couple.” For example, the partners may think if they have violated their marital vows, have money problems, or are not perfect parents, they can never be acceptable as a couple.

9. Do you have slips in recovery?  What does that look like?

• Just as individuals have slips, so will couples.

• Just as individuals in recovery know that addiction lasts a lifetime and they must continue their programs for life, so partners learn they must maintain recovery in their coupleship for life. If couples stop working their program, experience has taught us that old patterns of dysfunction will likely return. Just as individual addicts have slips, so will couples. Slips occur in coupleships when:

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If you’re new, this episode is for you.  We want to take the fear out of going to your first few meetings.  This episode is really for those of you who have not yet mustered up the courage to go to your first meeting.  But it episode can also be useful for those of you who have tried recovery programs before, but they didn’t stick.  But now you are desperate because it is getting worse.

To kick off this discussion, let’s take a look at what our listeners think are the most important basic recovery tools they have obtained in the program.

The question we asked our listeners was

Let’s start our discussion with MEETINGS

let’s open with the question

Where (how) do you find (good) meetings?

what makes a good meeting?

What should someone who is new expect at meetings?

What about the location of a meeting, does it affect whether you attend or not?

Are there types of meetings you prefer? why?

Are there types of meeting that you avoid? why?

What if you don’t like a meeting, what are your options?

Let’s move to FELLOWSHIP

How to get a sponsor?

How to get rid of a sponsor?

How to make phone calls.

How to get involved with the meeting before and after the meeting.

How to get involved in service work.

Now, let’s turn to SPIRITUALITY

How do you pray

How do you meditate

what’s the difference

When do you pray

Why do you pray

PROGRAM – let’s talk about what the program is for you

Most would agree that the program is in the steps.

What should a new person expect when they start working the step?

Do you have to do the steps?

Final Thoughts

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Anna, your thoughts on the survey?

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Now let’s talk specifically about the Fear of Change

Regarding fear, what steps, tools, slogans are most helpful for you early on and now?

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